What I've learnt...

OK - So I'm only on day four. But there have been some things I have learnt in, and about, the USA that I thought I would share.

1) You can't actually walk anywhere.
I always thought this was a myth. An excuse used by overweight Americans for their fourth spare tyre- but its true! Pedestrians just don't exist. You only get the odd mental jogger running around with some weights at 7am in the morning. On our first day, Rich and I made the mistake of trying to walk to find a local grocery shop. It turns out - local anything - doesn't exist. We ended up nearly getting run over twice, Rich has blisters on his feet and I got sunburnt. You drive to the beach, you drive to the shops, you drive to go out for dinner, you drive, you drive, you drive. Sorry Mother Nature - but you're screwed.

2) The food here is actually mental.
Like proper mental. You cannot for the life of you buy anything normal. When we finally admitted defeat to the whole walking-agenda and drove to a 'Publix' to buy food it took about 2 hours to decide just what juice to buy. There isn't just thing as normal orange juice. You can't just squeeze an orange, collect the juice, and put it in a carton. God no. The orange juice has to either have 'Added Calcium' or 'Extra Vitamens' or 'bonus Vitamen C'. And milk. There is no such thing as milk that comes from a cow. Again there is 'added bonus nutrients' or 'this came from a cow that knitted its own jumpers'. (I made that last one up). I asked an American about it and they told me they have to do all this weird shit to the milk because farmers here feed cows corn instead of grass because "it makes them grow quicker but it means all their hormones are whacked". Craziness. Plus, all those briliant sweets and treats that you loved as a child - they've not been discontinued - they're here in America. Lucky Charms, Pretzel Flipz, Pop Tarts - they are all here waiting to make you fat and die. Which leads me to my next point....

3) It's impossible not to get fat.
Trust me. I'm really trying not to do a Claire from Steps but its impossible. We navigated our way through the cereal aisle to try and buy some 'healthy cereal' for the days we weren't stuffing our faces with pancakes. After much debate, we picked a box called 'Raisin Bran' which had 'added fiber' (God knows how they added it). Surely Raisin Bran would be healthy? What can you possible do to raisins and bran to make them into a heart-attack-inducing breakfast choice? Well we found out. When we opened our cereral the next day we discovered every flake of bran and every lone raisin had been carefully coated with a thick layer of refined sugar. So much sugar that it left crystals in the milk at the bottom of the bowl.
We were also looked at like mad people when we decided to share a 'small' pizza. The thing was so big you could have sailed it into the ocean and declard yourself Queen of your own country. But we were looked at like anorexics. Plus, and this is the really annoying thing, because of all this sugar and refined crap - everything tastes just so much nicer. Bran has never been a fun start to the day. But once you add 19grams of sugar per serving - it's f*cking lovely. I'm thinking about booking an extra seat for the other half of my arse for the plane journey home.

4) Everyone is very excited. All the time.
It's brilliant. It's like everyone here snorts Prozac in the mornings with their sugar bran. My theory is that some kind of happiness thief came to England and raped and pillaged everyone of their optimism, put it in a giant bag, got on a plane, and set it all lose Pandora's-Box-Style on the other side of the Atlantic. Rich and I have just come back from watching the sun set. And when it had finished, everyone on the beach actually applauded. And earlier on the beach today I was eavesdropping on two American's who had just realised they run past each other every morning. They litreally couldn't believe their luck at this discovery. They actually hugged. And then organised to have lunch together. Just because they run past each other every morning. Mental. But very contagious. I found myself using the word 'Awesome' today without any hint of irony or self-awareness. When I realised I went and shut my head in the door.

5) Potholes? What potholes?
I don't know why I have got so excited by the state of American roads - but the high standard of their tarmacing really makes me happy inside. Maybe its all those stories I had to write about potholes for the Surrey Mirror. But the roads here are actually perfect. They are straight. And they make sense. And there isn't any roundbaouts. Considering you have to drive EVERYWHERE it makes the experience much more pleasurable. On our way to Sarasota, Rich and I were driving down an impecccable road and signs were warning us 'restoration work' would soon be taking place. On a perfect road. Utter motoring bliss.

6) It is impossible to sunburn your arse.
I learnt this amazing piece of knowledge to my detriment. And Rich's vast amusement.

Anyway that is all my insight so far. Tomorrow we leave beloved Sarasota and we're driving up to St Petersburg to stay with one of my dad's oldest and dearest friends. He owns a chain of comedy clubs, and dad has described him as an '17-year-old trapped in the body of a 60-year-old' - so it should make for a few interesting days.

Peace and Love and lashings of Aftersun

Holly