Roadtrippin'

My love affair with American roads, like all good romances, was brief and ended badly.

We now have the grand total of 1,000 miles under our belt - only about another 8million left but hey it's the journey not the destination right? It started well. Every road is still straight, unblemished, and glistens in the sun. But their perfection has been ruined by a horrible strain of virus....Americans.

Put it this way. Every American we have met so far has been utterly delightful. They shake your hand, make you instantly feel like you're their best friend, and when they tell you they hope you have a nice day you know they actually mean it. But put the buggers behind the wheel of a car - and they turn into pathological psychopaths.

Somebody literally tried to kill us today. We had to drive 400 miles from Orlando to Tallahasse on the interstate which was pretty sketchy because its Memorial Day Weekend so there was loads of bank holiday traffic. At one point, we needed to be in the lane nearest the middle to turn off at a service station to refill petrol (I refuse to call it gas - it is quite obviously a liquid). We were slowing to make sure we didn't miss the turning when this mentalist maniac deliberately accelerated as closely as he could behind our car so we were almost bumper to bumper. If I had dropped my speed by one mph - we would of all died. When he overtook us, the delightful gentleman rolled down his window to give us the finger, before deliberately cutting us up in another dangerous manoeuvre.

And it wasn't just us. We have seen many other motorists adopt this 'Crime and Punishment' behaviour. No wonder this country has the death penalty. You can't even switch lanes at the last moment because you're lost without some American motorist mentalist taking it upon themselves to 'discipline' you for your mistake. Also, nobody lets anyone in. Ever. Nobody indicates. There is no lane discipline. And interstate exits appear out of nowhere at the click of your fingers.

Love affair definitely over.

There is one redeeming feature of American roads though - and that is the billboard and traffic signs along the way.

Brilliantly, the traffic signs are so precise its hysterical. For instance, if you don't give way to a pedestrian at a crossing you will be fined $166.50. How precise a fine is that?! And how did they come up with that figure? In St Petersburg we also passed an electronic sign that said "BUCKLE UP YOUR SEATBELT". We thought that was all there was to it, until the yellow wording changed to say "NO EXCUSES". Like the sign-maker-people have already anticipated someone won't wear their seatbelt, will be pulled over by a cop, and start saying they forgot/were on their way to hospital/didn't wear seatbelts for religious reasons etc. Then all the cop has to do is point to the 'NO EXCUSES' part of the sign before slapping them with a ticket. Always so time effective. Then, when we were driving through roadworks and told to slow down, a sign written in the STYLE OF A CHILD said 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN SO YOU DON'T KILL MY DADDY'. How manipulative is that?

The billboards are definitely the best though. There's lots of scary 20-foot-faces of lawyers along the highways telling you they can sue people for you. Driving along the interstate today we passed by at least ten anti-abortion sign posts. They all had the picture of a fully formed baby with a speech bubble that said:
'MY HEART BEATS ON ITS OWN AFTER ONLY 18 DAYS'
Maybe they were hoping to catch people driving to abortions and think a garish billboard will suddenly make them change their minds?

My absolute favourite so far - and I don't think it can be beaten - we drove past today. Just as we started along the I-10 (the road we're basically following for the next 4,000 miles) we passed a giant sign that simply said in giant neon letters:

"SEX WITHOUT CONSENT IS RAPE".

Seriously, what kind of country is this where you have to remind people of that? On the motorway? I honestly don't understand where the idea came from. Are they hoping that a mental case with a terrified girl tied up in the boot of the car planning to sexually attack and murder her will drive past the sign and go "Whoops. I forgot! That's rape." And then drive her safely home?

Absolutely mental. But I'm loving every second. Well apart from the slightly near-death experience.

Love to you all

Holly