But, in reality, a majority of my/our time has been spent cooped up in strange motel rooms in strange places with only a television for comfort. And we have viewed a shocking amount of television. Not so much because the television here is good but more because it’s a bit like rubbernecking on the motorway. You just can't not look at it.
After a month of surfing cable channels, I have made some fascinating discoveries about American television to share with thee. (Mainly because I've spent two days driving and therefore have nothing else to bore you with). So here it is. American television.
You can't escape the commercials
Come back BBC and your political correctness gone haywire - all is forgiven. My estimation is that American television is 20 per cent telly programs, and 80 per cent commercials. It's insane. They manage to crowbar them in everywhere. For instance - you know Friends? And you know they have the funny bit before the credits start? And then they have the funny bit as the credits are rolling at the end? Well this is how an episode of Friends is screened in the USA.
- Opening funny bit "Oh I'm Chandler, I'm sarcastic and fear commitment yadda yadda" AD BREAK
- Friends theme tune and about 5 minutes of the program
AD BREAK
- 10 mins (if you're lucky) of more Friends. "Oh, I'm Pheobe. My character isn't based on any form of reality at all. Ooo look I'm being kooky yadda yadda.
AD BREAK
- More Friends til finish. "Oooh look Rachel and Ross are staring intently at each other again."
ANOTHER AD BREAK
- End credit bit "Ohhh I'm Joey, I'm going to say something stupid."
AND THEN ANOTHER AD BREAK.
Seriously. Now wonder all those consumers were crushed to death in shopping malls on Black Friday. You can't not be a consumer here if you own a television. You just innocently switch it on to check the weather and within two minutes you suddenly can't live without a Cinnamon Whirl, a power drill and erectile dysfunction medication.
Every medicine commercial out here is so hysterical it will bring tears to your eyes
About every other advert during the many commercial breaks you watch are plugging some new miracle drug for diabetes/heart problems/contraceptive pill etc. Not only is it weird to see something as necessary as MEDICINE being activiely advertised, the commercials seem to build up how amazing this new drug before totally scaring the crap outta you.
I think there must be some sort of legal requirement that you have to outline every single possible side effect of a drug you're advertising. And the outcome just makes the commercial completely futile. It kind of goes a little bit like this....
Happy lady voiceover: I used to have really bad piles. They were so bad they ruined my life and I never left home. But since using ‘Pilesrgreat’ my world has changed for the better. There’s no more pain, no more bloating, and you only have to take this small pill the size of an atom once a day. Ask your doctor to prescribe you Pilesrgreat…
So the medication sounds good. You’re thinking ‘Wow, I don’t even have piles but I might go and buy some just in case.”
BUT THEN this deep voiceover will interrupt the happy lady’s montage and tell you absolutely everything single thing that could go wrong if you took this medicine.
Voiceover man: Pilesrgreat cannot be used if you have piles. Some people who use Pilesrgreat may experience sudden and inexplicable death, anal bleeding, their eyeballs rotting, erectile dysfunction, the inability to ever talk ever again, unexplained elephantitis, full-body acne, chronic insomnia, epilepsy, or even worse piles than when you started.
It’s hysterical! Why on earth BOTHER advertising this drug if you’re just going to un-do all your good work by telling everyone how awful it is. Mental. Absolutely mental.
God is with you. On every channel.
OK – so we have Songs of Praise. That’s about it on the enforced religious indoctrination via the medium of television in England. And it’s not that bad really is it? Your Nan likes it. It’s over within an hour. And you can always flick over to T4 and watch Alexa Chung pretend she’s not totally anorexic.
But in America – there’s no escaping God. Oh no. God blesses America. Did you know that? No other country. And because he’s gone out of his/her/its way to bless them especially – he earns the right to be on the bloody television at any given time. Channel surf any time, night or day, and you will find either a televised church service, gospel choir singing, or life-coach telling a packed stadium they have to let God into their lives. My personal favourite is the cross-eyed nun (see below video) we found who spends her time trying to indoctrinate children in the early hours of the morning. I can’t help but wonder….if God really cared…then why has he given this nun two lazy eyes? Hardly seems like a fair deal for a lifetime of servitude.
There is a reality TV program about EVERYTHING
So you think there’s too much reality TV in England do you? Admittedly, watching Rebecca Loos toss off a pig was a down point, and let’s not even go down the Jade Goody road, but we’ve really not got it bad. Like everything else, America has taken a good idea and put it on steroids. And their reality tv is another example of this. You can gain insight into anything. Your teenage daughter is pregnant? Well so is that lady-on-the-telly’s. Think your boyfriend is cheating on you? Let’s spy on them and expose them live on air! But the absolute best has to be ‘Billy The Exterminator’. Yes. I’m not kidding. There is (a surprisingly popular) tv series here that follows an exterminator around. His name is Billy. He is basically what you would call ‘White Trash’. He dresses all in black and has large metal spikes protruding from every article of clothing he wears. And he believes in ‘natural’ methods of extermination. I’m not sure how many hours of this trip I have lost to Billy and his unique extermination ways. But it’s becoming a compulsion. His highlights so far include sucking up cockroaches with a hoover (surely anyone can do that?), and capturing a 10-foot Python by letting it attack his arm, before squeezing its head so hard it lets go, then shovelling the giant beast into a tiny icecream tub and laughing at it.
So that’s all my amazing insights so far. God I miss the BBC.
I’m supposed to be going to sleep very soon as we’re going to the Grand Canyon tomorrow.
So I better leave you all – but don’t worry – you have the cross-eyed nun to keep you company (though the video quality is naff so you have to wait til the end to get full exposure to the double-eye-disability).
Lots of love and commercial breaks
Holly xxx
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