OK. So we kinda got rid of the dog…
Don’t panic – we didn’t slaughter the little b*stard but we are now free of it. Thank you Baby Jesus.
I would like to thank you all for your kind words and advice. Some of it was a tad more practical than others. Much as it was tempting to dip the dog in honey and feed it to a Yosemite bear I’m not sure it would have gone down well with my cousin. Unfortunately even the practical advice didn’t help us any. I now consider myself to be somewhat of an expert in dog psychology – but Puck was an enigma. For instance, when I tried to ‘stare him down’ to ‘show my authority in the pack’ he mistook the prolonged eye contact for foreplay and ferociously humped me again. I have the scratches to prove it. In fact, I have been humped by that dog so many times that I should probably count it as a sexual partner the next time I have to fill up one of those questionnaires at the doctors.
So after two and a half days of doggie-hell, my Uncle rang to see how we were holding up. When we revealed (through near-tears) the extent of the drama and how we’ve not slept for over 48 hours he told us he would take Puck to the kennels - making my uncle my new personal hero. I would like to say I felt guilty that poor little Puck was being abandoned – but that would be a lie. Instead I felt like I had just broken free from an abusive relationship.
So now the dog is gone and sleep has FINALLY happened, Rich and I have been free to explore the beauty of Yosemite. God it’s pretty here. You should all come. Now. Despite sleep deprivation we’ve been going on lots of hikes and ooohing and aaahing at the outstanding views. We hiked to Mirror Lake which literally blew my mind. The lake is just like a Mirror (well, d’uh) and I’ve never seen anything like it. Yesterday we rented a raft and floated down the river that runs through the park which was also amazing. And today we hiked the Mist Trail – which means climbing up the side of a waterfall. The spray is so intense that it you’re walking up a stone staircase of rainbows and you get absolutely soaking sopping wet. Brilliant.
So it’s going well and we’re having a great time. The only slight annoyance is the invasion of two very irritating creatures. Mosquitoes and Tourists. I’ll start with the insects. They are mental. They must all have that emotional-over-eating-disorder or something because the moment you step outside you get devoured. Repeatedly. Rich is currently nursing at least 22 bites on his legs alone, and at one point I had one side of my face savaged completely. The bites also have a habit of turning into massive red oozy lumps so for two days I looked exactly like Quasimodo. If I hadn’t done some radical hair readjustment then I’m sure people would have plopped me on top of a waterfall and asked me to ring some bells.
And then there are the tourists. There are so many tourists (yes I know I am one but I’m different I tells ya – DIFFERENT). I wouldn’t mind so much but they are just all so incredibly odd. For instance, today we saw a man with a 360-degree beard, dressed head to toe in Ti-Dye, who had glued a rather large plastic doll to his chest…. I think the average IQ of the tourists here is about 50 and the average weight is about 20 stone – which is odd considering all you really do here is hike which requires not being a whale. Both annoying elements are showcased perfectly on the free shuttle buses you use to get around the park. Americans literally don’t understand public transport. At all. It’s hysterical to watch. They don’t understand the stops, they can’t get their minds round moving down the vessel to let other people on instead they just clamber on and stand right next to the door oblivious to the fact they’re blocking everyone, and when the bus stops they peer curiously at the opening doors and spend about ten minutes working out its time to get off. Honestly, put them on a London tube at rush hour and I think their heads would explode. And yes – a lot of them are very fat. In a way that a)makes me shudder involuntarily and b)makes me sad that they’re living up to the English cliché of American people when I’m so desperate to disprove it. Today on the bus this whale lady came and sat next to me and a giant roll of flab literally flopped onto my lap. The worst part was she was oblivious to this unfortunate even occurring. It’s obviously hard keeping track of that many spare tyres. So I spent the bus journey pinned to my seat by the weight of her flab-roll using all my mental strength not to vomit.
But we’ve worked out that getting up early is a good way of dodging them and we’re still having a marvellous time etc etc. Part of me is dimly aware that this time next week I will be on an aeroplane flying home but I’m trying to stifle this worrying thought. Denial is apparently a very effective coping mechanism, and one that both Rich and I are utilising to its maximum potential.
Anyway so that’s the news. Please don’t judge me for giving up on the dog. And, for future reference, if you have a dog please don’t ever bring it anywhere near me because it’s likely I will try and kill it. In a painful manner. I now officially hate dogs. And always will. Its mini pigs all the way baby.
Love
Holly xxx
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