We made it

We did it! (I was always taught at uni never to use exclamation marks but feel this is bloody well the right occasion for one).

After four thousand of miles, twenty-four different beds, nine different states, dozens of disgusting toilet experiences and one minor near-death-experience – we are finally here. In Yosemite National Park.

I have been internetless for a while so will try and fill you in on the interesting bits.

On Wednesday morning we left the shining lights and porn-filled streets of Vegas to start our two-day journey to Yosemite. We decided we had had enough of the bloody freeway so took the most direct, but slower, route through Death Valley which was an entirely odd experience. It’s a national park that’s famous for being completely barren – which made for a surreal driving day. The only way I can think to describe the place as it’s like in ‘The Neverending Story’ when that storm of nothingness slowly destroys the magical planet. The roads were pretty strenuous as well. You go from below sea level to 6,000 feet in a matter of miles as you navigate your way through severely winded narrow roads with vertigo-inducing drops on either side. The worst part was that we had to turn off our air conditioning to stop the engine from overheating…and Death Valley has the highest recorded temperatures in the USA. Rich and I almost melted and produced a disgusting amount of sweat from all sorts of surprising areas. Sweaty knee-pits anyone? Lovely juvley.

After another day’s driving we arrived at the beautiful Yosemite. We came in through Tioga Pass – which was still covered in snow and the scenery was breathtaking. We finally met up with my dad, uncle and cousins ready for my cousin’s wedding. I still can’t believe we made it in time.

Can I just say that weddings in America are wicked? You can get married anywhere you like by whoever you like. So in this instance my cousin got married right in the middle of Yosemite by her husband’s sister. Certainly beats the pretend-to-be-religious-or-pay-through-the-nose-for-a-pretty-venue decision brides face in Britain.

So with all the wedding hijinks over it was supposed to be the time to relax and enjoy our achievement. Rich and I are housesitting for my cousin in her detatched cabin right in the heart of Yosemite valley whilst she's on her honeymoon. Very calming. Or so we thought….

Unfortunately we are also dogsitting for her. And to say her dog is a handful is a little bit like saying Kerry Katona is a little common. It’s called Puck, but we’re considering renaming it Lucifer. It’s amazing how something so small can cause quite so much trouble. We were warned he was a little high-maintenance but only heard the words “free cabin in Yosemite Valley” and nodded enthusiastically. We moved in yesterday and haven’t slept since we got here. This is a run down of how the dog has kicked our asses in less time then it takes for the world to rotate once…

1) We went out to buy groceries for less than TWENTY minutes – in which time Puck managed to open my suitcase with his snout, and then find and eat an entire packet of Pistachio nuts and two protein bars whilst simultaneously trashing the place. Now the excess in protein has given him diarrhoea and he keeps doing giant and very unpleasant poos all over the park.

2) Puck seems to find my leg very attractive indeed. And for a creature so small he would make a very successful rapist. I have been violated on several occasions and when Rich tries to pull him off he gets a good humping as punishment. So technically we have both been raped and violated by a tiny dog. That wasn’t something on the holiday to-do list.

3) After his failed humping attempts, Lucifer….sorry I mean Puck….vents his frustration by attacking all the wedding presents. Before demanding to be let out in the yard to do yet another protein-bar-induced poo.

4) At night time Puck doesn’t deem in necessary for anyone to have any sleep. So every five minutes from before 2am this morning until 7am he found it appropriate to catapult himself onto our sleeping bodies and blow dog breath in our face to wake us up. When we tried to lock him out of the bedroom to stop this behaviour he responded by howling like crazy and clawing at the door relentlessly. Rich and I were supposed to be hiking up the side of a waterfall today but we are too tired to move from the sofa and have spent our time planning how to accidentally drop the dog over the side of a waterfall instead.


So anyone who may have been jealous about our Yosemite set-up can be rest assured that we’re far from having a fabulous time. I am, at this moment, supposed to be at an elevation of over 4,000 feet watching water cascade over the edge of an amazing waterfall…..instead I have joined a website called ‘PetForums’ to beg web-savvy doglovers for advice. That I suppose is what you call karmic balance. The only redeeming part of the situation is that Puck doesn’t respond to English accents so Rich and I have to speak to him with American voices. Which is quite entertaining to witness when Rich is proper losing his temper but, at the same time, sounding like a character from ‘American Pie’.

So that’s the news. Anyone with the vaguest knowledge of dog-behaviour tricks who might know how we could get some sleep without resorting to homicidal behaviour please tell me what to do. That said, the dog is pretty cute when it’s not being a total psychopath.

Lots of love

A very sleep deprived Holly.

xxx